This isn’t about teaching elder John Shuck or his
progressive skepticism as he writes a reply to moderator Heath K Rada’s request
for thoughts on how the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) can change to better meet
the twenty-first century.
But Shuck’s words set off a train of thoughts that I want to
write about. It was this paragraph written by Shuck in the Voices
of Justice Fall Newsletter that prompted my writing:
“The world has changed and we need to talk about it. I can’t
be sure exactly what “rapid and profound change” Moderator Rada has in mind,
but I think it has to do with theology. I think our theology is still in the
17t century while we live in the 21st century. The dogmas of our
religious heritage do not meet the challenges of the world presented to us by
science and by social science. All of the beliefs we are supposed to affirm such
as Creation, Virgin Birth, Resurrection of the body of Jesus, miracles,
original sin, atonement, heaven and hell, and a supernatural interventionist god
called God are metaphors. At least that’s what I think. I also think many
church members and teaching elders think like I do even as for various reasons
they are not able to say it clearly.”
I look beyond the 17th century to Christians who
have faced and lived through dire circumstances in modern and post-modern eras.
They include both Catholics and Protestants, men and women. None of the great heroes
of faith were skeptics in the sense that they no longer believed the teachings
of the Apostles. Two groups in Germany
during the Nazi era held faithful to the biblical teachings of the church. A
Catholic group of mostly young people called the White Rose and the Confessing
Church. Dietrich Bonhoeffer who went to his death as did members of the White
Rose never laid aside his theology to accommodate the cultural immorality of society.
When Bonhoeffer knew that the officers who came for him,
came to take him to his death, he told Payne Best another prisoner, “This is
the end” “For me the beginning of life.”
I still remember when an Anglican, Archbishop Janani Luwum, in Uganda,was killed, because of his faith, by Idi Omin. Another Ugandan
bishop wrote a small booklet, Why I love
Idi Omin. His basis for love was that Omin needed Jesus; that Jesus died
for him.
But there is no need to stay in the twentieth century, the
twenty-first century is full of Christian Martyrs who did not toss away their
faith. Old people and children who professed their faith despite the enemy’s
promise of death. Little children who were beheaded because they love Jesus. They
held on to the One who holds death in his hands and gives life to his saints. How
poor and musty with the 19th century has the progressives become.
God displays his faithful children before their eyes and they look away to find
some new way to be a Christian.
“Do not be afraid: I
am the first and the last and the living One; and I was dead and behold, I am
alive for evermore; and I have the keys of death and of Hades.”
It was the
most unusual presbytery meeting I have ever attended.[1]
It was about the Korean churches in our Presbytery. The meeting was very small;
most Sacramento PC (U.S.A.) churches, both orthodox and progressive, seem to
have just given up and are allowing a few to plan the future. And those few are
often very confused and troubled.
When we
addressed the first item, which I wrote about earlier:
1.With the determination of the Presbytery Engagement Team
(PET) appointed to the Capital Korean Presbyterian Church, El Dorado Hills,
determining that there is a schism pursuant to the Book of Order (G-4.0207),
that the presbytery take immediate action and appoint an administrative
commission with original jurisdiction of the Capital Korean church, and
continue the relationship with the PC(USA) in all means of its ministries
Which had as its explanation, ““The Presbytery Engagement
Team of Capital Korean Presbyterian Church has become aware of members, pastor
and session who are departing the church, and others who request maintaining
their membership with the PC (USA).
I asked if some more information could be shared, for
example, did the session vote, did all of the congregation leave. But no leader
attending seemed to have any information. The chair of the Committee on
Ministry, who presented the items, in fact tried to answer the question but said
he didn’t have any information.
However, Dou Sub Lee, a teaching elder, but not at the moment
the pastor of any church, spoke about Capital Korean Presbyterian Church. He
suggested that there was a large enough group of people left that could make up
the church, perhaps thirty to forty. And then later expanded the number. What
bothered me was that he stated he was not a member of the church, and when I
asked him afterwards he said he had not been a member for ten years.
The next item:
2.Whereas Zion Presbyterian Church announces its departure from
the PCUSA, the Committee on Ministry requests that presbytery take immediate
action and appoint an administrative commission with original jurisdiction of
the church, including, but not limited to determining and completing the next
steps of the church.
And the explanation:
“Leadership and members of Zion
Presbyterian Church, Sacramento, have declared their departure from the PC
(USA) and from the property on 9501 Folsom Blvd.”
This item held some interesting conundrums. David Kim spoke
saying that Zion had voted using a hand vote which was considered a 97% yes vote.
He suggested they would have to vote again and could then expect a lower
percentage.
One speaker said the church had a large debt. And several
people including a lady from the church stated that the debt was for a loan to
their church. It was 1.9 million dollars, but it was not borrowed from the PC
(U.S.A.). Then an interesting discussion ensued. Who was responsible for the
church debt and who owned the church?! So someone stated the PC (U.S.A.)’s name
was not on the title implying that the denomination did not own the church so
the presbytery was not responsible for the debt. Hmmm—so if a church owes money
not borrowed from the PC (U.S.A.) they own the church and if they don’t the PC
(U.S.A.) owns the church?
This is what happens when a presbytery writes a “gracious”
dismissal policy a great part of which was written by a lawyer in a manner that
is impossible for an ethnic group, whose second language is English, to
understand. In fact, it seemed to me that most members at the meeting, whose
first language is English, were confused and needed answers to some very
important questions.[2]
The dismissal policy does not answer some of the questions
that were being asked and although it starts out with words of grace most of
the text is pure heartless legalism and incredibly confusing. Within a
Christian biblical context grace must prevail. Here are some biblical answers
that do not come from the dismissal policy but ought to give clues about how to
treat the Korean Christians. All of them:
Although it is nice having a building—the church is not a
building. (A building often helps with fruitful ministry.) Still, it is those
who belong to Jesus Christ, who have been washed by his blood and are gathered
in fellowship under his Lordship that are the church. Here I am speaking of the
Church universal, not just of the PC (U.S.A.) or any other reformed body. That
means that we must care for the ministry that flows out of other gathered
fellowships.
Several years ago the Presbytery met at Capital Korean
Presbyterian Church. The pastor preached a sermon that was excellent and many
members of Presbytery asked that the sermon be placed on the Presbytery’s web
site. Also a video of CKPC ministries was shown. I remember that they had a
ministry to Native Americans in Nevada. I was deeply touched by this. This is
ministry that flows from the universal church.
I believe that Sacramento Presbytery needs to put aside its
dismissal policy and return to the authority of Scripture. The confusion and
mess looming among the churches can only be answered by the wisdom, grace and
authority of Scripture.
Several years ago when I, with a motion, tried to get the
Presbytery to give at least half of the money back that the Synod of the
Pacific had demanded of Fair Oaks Presbyterian Church and Roseville
Presbyterian church[3],
some of the members cursed at me and others. I could not hear this but at the
end of the meeting a young pastor, new to the presbytery, disappointed, got up
and complained that those around him were cursing those who spoke.
God calls us to love:
This is the message we
have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is
no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in
darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the light as
He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood
of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin we are
deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is
faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word
is not in us. (1 John 1:5-10)
This is where it must begin, confession, truth and fellowship
with all who are His.
[3]
It was around 2 million dollars, at the time a huge amount. It is no longer—the
greed of some in the denomination grows. For instance, Menlo Park’s payment of
almost 10 million to San Francisco’s Presbytery.
An article, They Really
Hate Ben Carson, ChurchandWorld linked
to, started a long string of thoughts in my mind about guns, honesty and
bravery. This posting includes a lot of
stories, some history. But it is also about me sorting out my thoughts on guns.
The article was written by Dennis Prager and he was showing how the secular
media distorted statements by presidential candidate Ben Carson.
One statement was his answer to a question, in reference to
the shootings in Roseburg, Oregon, about what he would do if someone stuck a
gun to his head and asked him what his religion was. Prager wrote that Carson
had stated “… not only would I
probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot
me. I would say, ‘Hey, guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he
can’t get us all.'”
Because of this
statement Carson has been accused of blaming the Oregon students because they
were victims of a mass shooting. He has also been criticized for suggesting
that Hitler would not have totally succeeded with his genocide “if the people
had been armed.”
So first of all
my position. I am a democrat who generally votes Republican because there are
few Democrats who stand against abortion or for the traditional definition of
marriage. I’m not sure at all who I will vote for this time so this is not
meant as an endorsement of Carson.
As far as guns
go. I have a lot of stories to tell but first I do believe in regulating the
selling of guns. There should be complete background checks. And as far as gun
shows go I think they should be outlawed unless they are meant simply as shows
and not to sell. They are not required to do gun checks and over twenty years
ago when I did my research for an article, Christian
Identity: A “Christian” Religion for White Racists, I was writing for Christian Research Journal, I discovered
a lot of the racists hung out at the gun shows. But I am not for total gun
removal.
Here are my
stories and then I want to write about what Carson said.
My mother was
about to complete high school when the great depression occurred. She had to
quit. Her father, to make up for her loss gave her the family rifle and allowed
her to go squirrel hunting as often as she pleased. My father had a gun and as my
sisters and I left home he tried to get us to buy one for protection. I never
wanted to, and I confess when he shot himself in the foot, (and he was
generally good with guns and careful) we felt bad but sort of had that “see
what can happen attitude!”
Later my husband
bought two guns so that he could go out plinking with a friend. Now a granddaughter
and her husband own one of the guns. After killing two rattlesnakes with a hoe
she felt a gun might work better. The rattlesnakes, not on the same day, were
under the children’s swing and headed toward the chicken coop.
So what about
Carson’s remarks. Well part of me wishes he had said “I would have said I love
Jesus, so go ahead and shoot.” But he’s not wrong or evil because of what he
said. Remember plane 93 on 9.11 2001. Most of the passengers had an agreement
to rush the radical Moslems who had taken over the plane. They knew that some
or all of them would probably die, but they undoubtedly saved the lives of many
in Washington D.C. And about Hitler, well that is much more complex but Carson has
made a good point, as Prager wrote:
“…while “greatly
diminished” [The Jew’s deaths] is debatable, the general view strikes me as
simple common sense: Why wouldn’t it have been a good thing if many Jews in
1930s Europe had had weapons? Of course it would not have prevented the
Holocaust, but it might have saved some lives; and just as important, it would
have enabled armed Jews to die fighting rather than to die unarmed and with no
ability to fight …”
We tend to forget
that Dietrich Bonhoeffer, some of his family members and some officers in the
German army tried twice to kill Hitler with a bomb. If they could have done it
with a gun they probably would have. And there is this other story.
Several years ago
PBS ran a documentary on the underground in Holland during World War II. The name of the documentary is Hidden Heroes - Dutch Resistance, and one of the stories that has
stayed with me was told by an elderly woman who had been part of the
underground. She secretly carried a gun. The woman passed by a crowd of people
at a train station just as a Nazi officer pulled a baby from a Jewish couples
arms. He smashed the baby’s head against a wall. The woman said without
thinking, and putting herself at great risk, she pulled out her gun and shot
the officer. And then she found herself being pushed backwards through the
crowd until she had escaped completely from view.
As a Christian
who loves Jesus I don’t think I could trust in a gun for defense but I cannot
condemn Carson; his is a call for justice, there is no real reason to aim such
hatred at him.
But we who belong
to Christ have a defense that is good and sure.
“I say to you, my friends, do not be afraid
of those who kill the body and after that have no more that they can do. But I
will warn you whom to fear: fear the one who after he has killed, has authority
to cast into hell; yes, I tell you fear Him! Are not five sparrows sold for two
cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of
your head are all numbered. Do not fear, you are more valuable than many
sparrows.” (Luke 12 4-7)
We are chasing them away with our heretical ideals. (Jesus
is not the only Lord, the Bible is not his word and sexual immorality is
acceptable.) And there is so much control and disregard for Christian
graciousness in our new “gracious” dismissal policy that they are willing to go
without their property. They are too busy with the gospel to be bothered with
fighting such a time consuming process, so they are leaving all behind to
follow Jesus in the way they believe he is leading. They are Koreans but the
Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) has forgotten their true mission and so they are
going away.
The Presbytery of Sacramento has called a special meeting
because of what will potentially be empty buildings. (At least that is my
thought.) These are the two motions to be voted on:
1.With the determination of the
Presbytery Engagement Team (PET) appointed to the Capital Korean Presbyterian
Church, El Dorado Hills, determining that there is a schism pursuant to the
Book of Order (G-4.0207), that the presbytery take immediate action and appoint
an administrative commission with original jurisdiction of the Capital Korean
church, and continue the relationship with the PC(USA) in all means of its
ministries.
The explanation is: “The Presbytery Engagement Team of
Capital Korean Presbyterian Church has become aware of members, pastor and
session who are departing the church, and others who request maintaining their
membership with the PC(USA).
The other:
2.Whereas Zion Presbyterian Church
announces its departure from the PCUSA, the Committee on Ministry requests that
presbytery take immediate action and appoint an administrative commission with
original jurisdiction of the church, including, but not limited to determining
and completing the next steps of the church.
The explanation for this is: “Leadership and members of Zion Presbyterian Church, Sacramento, have declared their departure from the PC(USA)
and from the property on 9501 Folsom Blvd.”
There is one more motion that may or may not be addressed
having to do with filling empty positions before the November presbytery
meeting.
Some of this loss is of course the General Assembly’s and
the denomination’s fault. Unfaithfulness always leads to confusion and demands
a reaction by those who wish to stand as faithful as possible. And the
unfaithfulness simply continues in all kinds of ways including the recent
appointment of a gay ruling elder, Luis
Antonio (Tony) De La Rosas (who has a partner) as interim executive director
over the Presbyterian
Mission Agency.
It is also the fault of the Presbytery of Sacramento’s recently
rewritten Gracious
Policy for Reconciliation or Dismissal of Congregations . It is totalitarian
in many of its decrees. I can imagine how hard this must be for those whose
first and main language is not English. The first part of the policy is
gracious in language but the second and larger part seems to be written by a
lawyer who cares little for the language of grace. It is bureaucratic,
complicated and self-serving in tone.
Presbyterians, especially those who are progressive, love to
quote Micah 6:8. “He has told you O man,
what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice and to
love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
Well, I and many others, who are not progressive love it
too. It is after all God’s words as is all of the Scriptures. And all of us,
myself in particular, have a long ways to go as far as walking humbly with our
God. But God does call for kindness, humbleness and justice. What a move of the
Holy Spirit it would be to see these two congregations move to the denomination
they desire and at the same time still possess the buildings they have used for
faithful ministry.
I heard,
through the grapevine, that at the last Sacramento Presbytery meeting, the AC
for Burney church patted themselves on the back for preserving the property for
the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.). Too bad no one goes there now. Perhaps later.
Alex Munro, former
lay pastor for Burney, wrote, “The one big thing we saw was that they finally
saw the light less than a week before we were actually leaving the building and
PCUSA, and that there really were no PCUSA members who wanted to come
back. The worship building is empty. Our leadership team is still
meeting with the AC on their request to research if it is a possibility that we
would return and two of our people are working with them to help the AC through
the next month's transition.
We had first
worship service yesterday outside the PCUSA with about 30 of us and are looking
forward to continued service to God. One miracle is that we stayed
together to move on with God.”
This
continued failure of Sacramento Presbytery and the COM and AC is not unlike what
is happening in other mainline churches which have pushed aside the authority
of Scripture. They are left with empty churches, some of them large. Greed has
overtaken too many. It is a reminder of a fellow elder at a Presbytery meeting
several years ago who informed all that the several million being required of two
churches was God’s gift to us thus implicating God in our greed, But that is
hardly the more important problem.
The
important problem is the care for the riches of this world rather than the
salvation of souls and the good works that follow such transformation.
Eventually
the works called good in the P.C (U.S.A.) will only be based on a society
transformed by culture therefore it will only be cultural goodness. And that
cultural goodness will undoubtedly involve far more evil then good.
We already
bless the death of unborn babies as well as a sexual coupling rite that is truly
sin. (That is same gender marriage.) We will undoubtedly bless euthanasia for
humanity.
Recently a
friend placed an article about the right to be identified as a vampire on
Facebook, and at first it seemed funny until I found it was connected to some
college professors connected to a prostitution ring that practiced BDSM
(bondage, domination, sadism and masochism.) The vampirism had a connection. Even
this may come to be blessed without the authority of God’s word,
God calls us
to holiness. But when we no longer listen to the Lord of the church we will
care little if different definitions of absolutes arise or the. sinful lifestyles
of others. Nor will we care for the harvest of needy souls that God has put
before us.
Finally then brethren we request and
exhort you in the Lord Jesus that as you received from us instruction as to how
you ought to walk and please God (Just as you actually do walk), that you excel
still more. For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the
Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification, that is. that you
abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own
vessel in sanctification and honor not in the lustful passion like the Gentiles
who do not know God and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the
matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also
told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose
of impurity, but in sanctification. So he who rejects this is not rejecting man
but the God who gives his Holy Spirit to us. (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8)
Much earlier a small Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) had an
Administrative Commission placed over them in Burney California. The Burney
church was counted in schism by the AC. I wrote about this at Schism,
heresy and control.The main body of
this small church with the exception of only a few, about four, decided that
they would forgo the process of trying to leave in what used to be an orderly
way. For them it was no longer possible. The main body of the church wrote this letter to the
Sacramento Presbytery:’
Date: July 28, 2015
(Letter
To AC on 9/9/15 informing them of our decision to leave the PCUSA and Building)
Thank you for your time and the information you shared with
us over the phone, face to face and by email over the last few days.
We as a leadership team of eight members plus around 28
other attenders have decided to move on and constitute ourselves as a new
congregation affiliated with EPC. Last Sunday was our last worship service in
the Burney Presbyterian sanctuary and we are now preparing to meet for our
first worship service on Sunday at a rented location in Burney with the name “New
Hope Evangelical Presbyterian Church”.Our last congregational act, besides thanking God for the 67 years of
faithful servants and service was to pray that God’s name and glory within the
sanctuary would still be kept whoever is the owner or user.
We appreciate and understand your clear offer for us to
remain while we work out the road to our future.We all had no idea of your recent offer even
though we had informed you weeks ago of our possible departure on September 8,
2015.The offer came a few weeks too
late for most of the congregation who had made tentative plans to leave as soon
as they saw the COM recommendation to Presbytery to impose original
jurisdiction over the Burney church.
It was also a stunning
to hear from you that the “loyal” group was not returning, especially after
they had worked so hard to achieve the goal of having us move out of the church
premises.We who are leaving were never
disloyal – we tried to follow the PCUSA protocol.Nevertheless, we wish and pray that sometime
in the future we may be able to lease or purchase the property.
One request that we have to the AC is that you would give us
permission to use the sanctuary for any memorial or funeral services related to
people who have been active members and attenders of the PCUSA and whose
families may wish to honor their loved ones in this way.
Knowing that the loyal group is not coming back at present
we do not want to leave you without some local contacts through this
transition.If needed, the present
church secretary, Lorinda Wike (530 355 9902), and Claudia Graves (530 262
4496), the treasurer, are willing to stay on employed for an interval to be determined
by you and by them in order to perform those duties needed for the day to day
operation.
In cooperation with you – sincerely in Christ,
New Hope Evangelical Presbyterian Leadership Team
The Presbytery's letter answer is anything but gracious. It is a tale of what many in the denomination want. Here is the letter:
TO: “Session Elders”: Rick Dougherty, Wendy Dougherty, Ralph Boggs, Linda Isbell, Moderator of the Deacons‐Jean Boggs, and Treasurer‐ Claudia Graves plus other PC (U.S.A.) members and attendees who wish for dismissal to the EPC.
FROM: Administrative Commission members Louis Nevins, Robert Johnson, and Julie Home
CC: Revs. Tom Tripp and Nancy Clegg
SUBJECT: Your letter of July 28, 2015
DATE; August 3, 2015
With Julie's return to the United States we have now had an opportunity to meet and discuss your letter.
We have reviewed Rev. Tripp's reply to you of the same date and agree with his sentiment.
We are constrained to act on behalf of the Presbytery as directed by the motion passed at the Special Meeting of July 9, that is "take original jurisdiction of the Burney church, and continue the relationship with the PC(USA) in all means of its ministries." As Lou and Bob explained in their "get acquainted" session with you, our AC has become, until dissolved, the Session of your Church, and the Board of Directors of the related corporation.
It is not our desire to interfere with your various ministries, however we are constrained by the Book of Order, particularly G‐4.0203 (the trust clause) and G‐4.0207 (Schism).
Accordingly, until we have more information, we must take particular care with respect to the real and personal property of the Church1 , all of which is held in trust for the benefit of the PC (U.S.A.). For this reason, we cannot, under the circumstances as outlined in your July 28 letter, release the Certificates of Deposit held by the Synod, although we may be willing to consider rolling these funds into another depository with an interest rate better than that available at the Synod in an account to which some combination of Lou, Bob and Julie are signatories until final decisions have been made on other pending questions.
As Lou and Bob indicated in response to a question at their get acquainted session with you it was their expectation that you would be asked to continue your ministries pending further notice. The third member of the AC, Julie Horne agrees, so that is our decision.
In the meantime, we are sure you can appreciate that we need some additional information to do our job, which we hope we can obtain with your cooperation.
First, as we are sure you can appreciate, those who provide services to your congregation should not suffer. Accordingly, we need to obtain as much information as possible on the status of your present bank accounts, what bills are due or likely to be due on a monthly basis, and other ongoing or pending obligations.
1 Here, and hereafter, both the Church and its companion corporation.
Page 2 of 2
Second, we need to obtain a complete roster of the names, addresses, telephone numbers and other contact information of all members of your congregation and any members of the congregation who have left or transferred their membership since January 1, 2013.
As stated in the motion establishing our AC, our mandate to "continue the relationship [of the Burney Church] with the PC(USA)" requires us to keep the door open to discussions about remaining in our Denomination. In our view, nothing you said on at our meeting on July 18 about what we perceive to be your beliefs disqualifies you from continued affiliation with the PC (U.S.A.). To be sure, there are those in our denomination and our own congregations with whom we disagree strongly, but that is the price we all pay for belonging to an "open" as opposed to a "closed" church. We pray that, on reflection, you come to see that reconciliation with the PC (U.S.A.) does not require surrender of your personal beliefs. We are called to be "a community of love, where sin is forgiven, reconciliation is accomplished, and the dividing walls of hostility are torn down." F‐1.0301
It is our goal to move expeditiously, now that we have a full complement of members on board. However, until we have obtained and evaluated the membership and financial information mentioned above, it is premature to speculate as to what the future holds. Accordingly, the quicker we can get the information we requested, the easier it will be to make the meaningful progress we all desire.
Yours in Christ,
Lou, Bob & Julie
There is more material and action to be had although there is no consideration that these people who have already left really do not feel they should stay. Evidently there are only four people who want to stay and they are usually not there for worship. It should also be stated that Zion a Korean Church has walked away from their property. The Holy Spirit is doing his own work in this Presbyterian area.
Is the AC really listening to the Holy Spirit?
I will write more in days to come. Please keep praying for my computer.
This posting is laid out a little strange because of a new computer. Just Scroll down.
I've had a few broken
days which have included a broken sit down, which included surgery, two weeks
of flu and a broken computer (okay, I accidently poured milk on it, the
computer that is. My pain pills put me totally out of commission. I couldn’t
drive and while usually seeing the sentence ahead of the one I am reading I
kept seeing the one behind that I had already read. I couldn’t understand why
the authors kept repeating themselves. So this is my apology and excuse for not
writing more.
So many horrible events are occurring now I feel I should be
writing all of the time. I should say that in the midst of this I have been
turning a guest room into my study. While going through my books I found an old
journal with a few pages written on, the words are garbled and they were I
believe written just as Voices of Orthodox women were disbanding because they
felt God was finished with their efforts .I will try to copy what I believe is
relevant and hopefully helpful.
Where am I heading…I am not even sure if this is where I
want to head. I really have no idea where to begin. No organization in my head
and organization to which I belong… I am feeling so much aloneness—and yet God
has given me so much and so many. The future seems empty but I believe I have
too much to do to do nothing, but I have too much to do and too much
uncertainty and aloneness to go with it. Just when I want to gather my family
and friends around me I don’t have the time and just when I do have the time, I
am afraid to reach out because I might not have the time.
Fear of loss is becoming a big part of my make up and yet we
are called to not be afraid of loss of self so that we might gain life.
What do I want—joy—giggling among little great
granddaughters. [soon there will be 10- maybe one boy!] Hot summer days with
ice tea on the porch, and family here and there.
It is hard to acknowledge that I am hated by others and yet
many other Christians have and are experiencing this from time to time and in a
much, much worse manner,
On one of our trips to England I found myself very homesick
and realized that I must learn to love Jesus far, far more because someday this
will all be over and He is that great and precious gift. He is after all how I
am able to make time for family and friends. He is the one who through my
devotion causes the end to hate and to the sense of loneliness. He gives hope.
He is redemption.
