This posting is laid out a little strange because of a new computer. Just Scroll down.
I've had a few broken days which have included a broken sit down, which included surgery, two weeks of flu and a broken computer (okay, I accidently poured milk on it, the computer that is. My pain pills put me totally out of commission. I couldn’t drive and while usually seeing the sentence ahead of the one I am reading I kept seeing the one behind that I had already read. I couldn’t understand why the authors kept repeating themselves. So this is my apology and excuse for not writing more.
So many horrible events are occurring now I feel I should be writing all of the time. I should say that in the midst of this I have been turning a guest room into my study. While going through my books I found an old journal with a few pages written on, the words are garbled and they were I believe written just as Voices of Orthodox women were disbanding because they felt God was finished with their efforts .I will try to copy what I believe is relevant and hopefully helpful.
Where am I heading…I am not even sure if this is where I want to head. I really have no idea where to begin. No organization in my head and organization to which I belong… I am feeling so much aloneness—and yet God has given me so much and so many. The future seems empty but I believe I have too much to do to do nothing, but I have too much to do and too much uncertainty and aloneness to go with it. Just when I want to gather my family and friends around me I don’t have the time and just when I do have the time, I am afraid to reach out because I might not have the time.
Fear of loss is becoming a big part of my make up and yet we are called to not be afraid of loss of self so that we might gain life.
What do I want—joy—giggling among little great granddaughters. [soon there will be 10- maybe one boy!] Hot summer days with ice tea on the porch, and family here and there.
It is hard to acknowledge that I am hated by others and yet many other Christians have and are experiencing this from time to time and in a much, much worse manner,
On one of our trips to England I found myself very homesick and realized that I must learn to love Jesus far, far more because someday this will all be over and He is that great and precious gift. He is after all how I am able to make time for family and friends. He is the one who through my devotion causes the end to hate and to the sense of loneliness. He gives hope. He is redemption.